Arbor Vitae

I was trawling through some old posts on this blog yesterday, seeking solace where poetry and prose had given me none.

And found this.

Which begs the question: what kind of person, upon hearing of an acquaintance’s upcoming nuptials would write that?

Me, that’s who  =(

Maybe if I write enough, I can exorcise those inner demons. If I write enough, I can leach all the bitterness away. Practise self-anaethetisation. Write towards a better day. Maybe.

One can live in hope.

NB: The only downside to all this self-cleansing is that it leads people who have never met me in real life to think that I’m an angsty, angry person with a fondness for metaphysical self-castigation.

I still lean towards self-admonishment rather then self-aggrandisement. Old habits die hard, they do  =)

But apart from the odd moment when I am so aggrieved I feel like I could explode (or implode as the case may be), I am look pretty even-keeled.

For this I have to thank the general expectation that people have of OTs: Sunny-side up. Always. Plus I don’t want to scare the nice octogenarians I work with these days  =P

Thanks also goes to a sister who has a temper much, much more ungovernable than mine. This I have no control over - if she is on a rampage, I just let her be. As long as the house is still standing that is LOL.

ps: Do you ever get over a first love? I suppose you do. That acquaintance got hitched without a hitch  =)

Because I really want to visit……

Steep myself in nostalgia again…..

And eat like I ain’t never ate before…….

Photo credits: Categg, the talented shutterbug (and hopefully co-conspirator in my grand plan to visit Bandar Bersejarah)  =P

At age 28, I shall learn that promises made can be taken back.

And when that happens, I will remind myself that this too shall pass.

Perhaps then, the sweet sad refrain threading its way through my consciousness for the better part of my life will finally stop.

ps: Whoever said poetry was the panacea for moroseness was sorely mistaken. For when I went in search of prose that soothed the soul all I found was another bottomless pit of melancholia.

                              The Lady of Shalott, Alfred Tennyson, 1809-1892

Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless: peacocks and lilies, for instance.

                                                                John Ruskin, 1819 -1900

How would you tell that to someone who is in love with flawlessness personified?

For his beloved, whose fragility draws comparisons to the lilies of the field, toils not, yet is fair in his eyes.

With him, a flower would fare better than a plough.

She had held him for years - with her alabaster arms, her sideway smile, the sinuous curves of her back that undulated as she walked, her quick charm, her sparkling wit, her luminosity, her love, her selfless giving of self.

In all that time, he wandered not a step from the fold; his shadow darkened no threshold but his own.

And now?

That band on his finger may as well be welded from mud and clay instead of pure gold.

For he forgot his vows, stripped off the ring that bound him to her, in a heartbeat severed the knot held fast by a hundred whispered intimacies, a thousand hungered kisses, and countless impassioned embraces.

All tossed into the wind, to land where they may; the ring dropped into an abyss of molten desire.

You know that when he did what he did, his promise to forsake all others vanished without a trace; no burning mark of Cain left behind to brand him as a wanderer slaking his thirst for wanderlust. 

Unlike the ring, which left an indentation upon the flesh of his finger.

Nothing left, no.

Even his tattered promises are now worth less than dust.

You could not have known.

How can you be to blame when you could not have known?

I’m inexplicably feeling like this again.

I’m weary of being the responsible one; heartsick to the core.

If you’re the one that others lean on, who do you lean on in turn?

So please, won’t someone come and take me away?

[ ] I know how to make a pot of coffee – Don’t drink coffee as it gives me heart palpitations, how’s that for wussy?
[x] I keep track of dates using a calendar - Anyone on placement who doesn’t might as well commit suicide right now.
[ ] I own more than one credit card – One is bad enough isn’t it? Not that I use it much.
[ ] I know how to change the oil in a car – Don’t have a car. How’s that? =)
[x] I know how to do my own laundry – The question didn’t say the laundry had to turn out un-mangled, did it now?

[ ] I vote every election – I don’t think I’m eligible to vote here…..yet.
[x] I can cook for myself – Is making endless rounds of salads counted as cooking?
[x] I think politics are exciting – Have you seen those fights that break out in Taiwanese Parliament? WWF ain’t got nothing on them yo!

[ ] I balance my checkbook – Paperless is the new way to go baby!
[x] My parents have better things to say than my friends – When Mom’s not nagging me to sleep more, eat better and walk for 2 hours a day, yeah =)
Total: 5

[x] I show up for school/college/work every day early – Since I use public transport, I can’t very well turn up late
[x] I always carry a pen in my purse – I actually still carry a pencil case around, how juvenile  =P
[x] I’ve never gotten a detention – How much trouble can you get into when you either have your nose buried in the book or are practising with a bunch of (insanely talented) orchestra geeks?
[x] I have never smoked a cigarette.
[x] I have never gotten completely trashed – I’ve never gotten trashed. Period.
[ ] I have forgotten my own birthday at least once.
[x] I like to take walks by myself.
[x] I’ve watched talk shows.
[x] I know what ‘credibility’ means without looking it up.
[ ] I drink coffee at least once a week.
Total: 8

[x] I know how to do the dishes – Wash. Rinse. Try not to smash on the floor. Couldn’t be bothered to dry. Repeat as needed.
[x] I can count to 10 in another language – Most Malaysians can I suppose.
[x] When I say I’m going to do something I do it – Or get your ass kicked by the supervisor
[x] My parents trust me – They let me live by myself fresh out of high school didn’t they? =) Or was that a mistake after all?  =P
[ ] I can mow the lawn – No lawn to speak of to mow.
[x] I can make adults laugh without being stupid – They could still be laughing at my stupidity while I was standing there like a blockhead though =P
[x] I remember to water the plants.
[x] I study when I have to
[x] I pay attention at school/college – If you wanted to pass you would too. I don’t think my sanity could take another year of academic rigour (rigour being relative of course).
[x] I remember to feed my pets – Back home the dog makes you, whether you want to or not. Crafty little thing that she is, she gets morning and afternoon tea too.
Total: 9

[x] I can spell ‘experience’ without looking it up
[ ] I work out on a regular basis – I am a couch potato. Operational word potato.
[x] I clean up my own mess.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know me by name.
[ ] My favourite kind of food is takeout.
[x] I have gained weight since middle/high school – Alas, my trunk-like figure gets more solid by the day  =)
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get caffeine.
[x] I can go to the store without getting something I don’t need.
[x] I understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[x] I can type quickly.
Total: 6

[ ] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[ ] My only friends are from my place of employment.
[ ] I have been to a tupperware party.
[x] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job – Except for other impoverished students who take themselves equally seriously  =)
[ ] I have more bills than I can pay.
[ ] All my friends are older than I am.
[x] I can say no to staying out all night – Never was much of a party animal to begin with anyway  =)
[x] I use the internet every day – Is there something else to do in the backwaters of Brisbane? 
[x] My wardrobe hasn’t changed in awhile – Er, what wardrobe?
[x] I can read a book and actually finish it – My idea of bliss =)
Total: 5

My marriage age is…33 - That sounds nice and……..distant  =)

Maybe I obsess more than I ought.

Right now, all that is going through my mind is this:

Is my exile from the fields of Elysium over?

Is it you that holds the keys to the castle, will open that locked door again?

What is this?

Who am I?

Who are you?

when you can’t sleep

when you swear you can

feel

restlessness bubbling through your veins

the hands of the clock

move

seamlessly in endless circles

measuring out each reluctant unit of time

droplet by viscous droplet

you can but

wait and watch and wonder

listen and read and ponder

remember

sleep is for the weak

the valiant and the foolish watch the sun rise

through eyes that have not closed during the night

Please call me Henry, I want to hear my name on your lips.

Henry.

D’you want me? I mean as a man? If I were a farmer on your father’s estate, would you want me then?

Yes, I said not caring at all that this was nonsense. I could not imagine this man as anything but King of England.

If you were a nobody and I were a nobody I would love you.

If you were a farmer with a field of hops I would love you.

If I were a girl who came to pick the hops would you love me?

I would. I would know you anywhere for my true love.

Whoever I was and whoever you were, I would know you at once for my true love.

                          Philippa Gregory, The Other Boleyn Girl, pp. 58-59

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
                                                                                 Billy (Age 4)