Arbor Vitae

By far the scariest thing I’ve stumbled across this Halloween:

The TomKat wedding vows

The Bride:

"And do you (Katie) take/His fortune/At its prime and ebb/And seek/With him best fortune/For us all?/Do you?"

The Groom:

"Now, (Tom),/girls need clothes/And food and/Tender happiness and frills/A pan, a comb,/perhaps a cat/All caprice if you will/But still/They need them./Do you then/Provide?/Do you?”

(The Background Ministry, Ceremonies & Sermons of the Scientology Religion)

The mind boggles.

Since Halloween Down Under is about as a big a deal as a wet deflated balloon hitting the pavement, I thought I’d engage in some meaningless trivia to waste precious minutes twiddle my thumbs  procrastinate from getting stuck into that pile of assignments.….y’know, get in the mood?

So I thought, what personifies Samhain better than that eternally mysterious, perennially slinky, purported sidekick of those who zoom around on broomsticks, the cat?

So here are some nuggets of (mis)information:

Folk beliefs about felines are centuries old, rooted in a lack of understanding of the natural universe.

Ya don’t say….

#1 A cat in a room with a dying or dead person will steal that person’s soul.

So will that work if a dog’s in the room? Or a gecko? Or a cockroach? Hang on, so theoretically, if a centipede happens to be lurking in the room, and if the soul hypothetically gets transferred into the centipede, how the heck is the transposed and/or stolen soul supposed to be able to figure out how to work all them legs? However many whatchacamallit pairs there are? Hmmmmmmmm??

#2 If a cat sits with its back to the door, it will rain.

Well dang it, there you go - the miracle solution to Australia’s drought woes. Just get every cat in every household to sit with their back to the door every night for week and voila - water restrictions no more!!!

Just a thought though, if they sat with their front to the door, does that mean we’ll have perennial drought?  =P

#3 It’s bad luck to cut a cat’s whiskers.

It sure is. Because that unlucky person is going to find their hands shredded to ribbons by the cat  =D Who the heck would want to do that anyway? I mean seriously, would you like it of someone tried to shave your eyebrows off???

#4 A cat crying at night means witches are tormenting it.

For crying (pun intended) out loud, can’t a cat send out…..ummmm…..you know, mating calls at night in peace????

So folks, for those who celebrate it (cheesy costumes and hyper-sugarified treats and all) have a great Halloween!!!

1. My ex is still:
obtuse

2. I am listening to:
the hum of people coming and going in the library

3. Maybe I should:
start studying for the upcoming exams *snickers*. seriously. *snickers again*

4. I love:

leafing through the IKEA catalog while stretched out on a couch, clutching an ice-cold bottle of green tea. sidenote: i knew old age was going to catch up with me sometime, but this just about proves that it’s here to stay  =P

5. My best friend(s):
are so far away  =(

6. I don’t understand:
why churning out stats reports/ handover summaries/ progress notes sends me into a cold sweat everytime. it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. but i always act like it’s kingdom come and the apocalypse all rolled into one.

7. I lost:
my mind in that last stats session. so. hard. to. understand. (this is the bit where i go: help ZX!!! HELP!!!!!!). but on the plus side (yay for the fact that there is a plus side), it’s the absolute last one. ever. until i get around to doing my research project next year that is *sobs*

8. People say:
you should let fate take its course. my question is, if i do, will fate give me that house with the white picket fence and two kids? 

9. The meaning of my screen name is:
…my name? i have no imagination whatsoever, so my screen name is….my screen name???

10. Love is:
not something i’ll ever whole-heartedly believe in again. cynic? moi? whatever made you think that?  =P

11. Somewhere, someone is:
living their life. and i try to live mine.

12. I will always:
try and try and try and try and try. but what if there’s no end to the trials and tribulations?

13. Forever seems:
to be something i used to believe in and discarded along with my belief in my ex

14. I never ever want to:
be mediocre

15. My cell phone :
works. and when i push those pretty buttons, it also does stuff. i’m a fan, but not an addict  =D

16. When I wake up in the morning:
i’m usually in a hell of a rush - which explains the lack of primping and painting before i head for the door. running for the bus while weighed down with an enormous shoulder bag isn’t the best look y’know? i doubt even makeup will manage to make me look better in those circumstances  =P

17. I get annoyed when:
…sigh. i work in retail (only part-time though, thank heavens!). some days, everything pisses me off. like people who incessantly ask for discounts. or people who let their kids stomp on our luggage. or people who tip half-eaten ice-cream cones onto the carpet…etc etc etc. you get the drift.

18. Parties are:
fine…up to the point when i have to haul all the drunkards home because i am the only sober one. or try to prevent someone from passing out in a pool of their vomit after they’ve up-chucked all over Mrs So-and-So’s favourite garden gnome 0_o

19. My pet(s) is(are):
the queen of the roost. the matriach of the family unit. the demanding diva. but i still love you BB  =)

20. Kisses are the best when:
you know the person who’s given you those kisses won’t ask for them back

21. Today I:
slogged through a 9am-6pm day at uni

22. Tomorrow I:
have to see my client, write up progress notes, prepare two lots of handover reports, return some library books, cook dinner……and read that IKEA catalog  =)

23. I really want:
to run away. for a little while. just anywhere. but preferably home.

24. I want to ask:
him: do you know who i am?

ps: thanks goes to pinkpau for the meme  =)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveller

Long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth

…

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence

Two roads diverged in a wood

And I

I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference

(Robert Frost)

I did. I took the one less travelled.

I mean, how many people actually know what occupational therapy is?

Btw, the reason I’m going all emo is because I got my lit review back and I am somewhat, shall I say…disheartened?

I know people are prone to questioning and second-guessing themselves.

At 13, it’s practically de riguer. At the risk of going all Dr Phil-ish on your ass, that’s what they call finding oneself.

At 18, it’s the norm. That’s when your parents shake their heads indulgently, incessantly cluck their tongues and say you’re searching for your life’s direction.

At 25, it’s not funny. Not at all. Not one bloody bit.

So the question remains.

What the hell am I doing here?

There are days when I feel like a f***ing idiot.

This is definitely one of them.

#1 recently went on maternity leave

#2 is still on maternity leave

#3 is still on maternity leave

#4 broke her leg in a motor vehicle accident, making a lengthy rehabilitation process necessary

#5 was diagnosed with cancer last week and is unlikely to return for the next semester

Oh lordy.

There’s not going to be anyone left on the academic staff.

No. Most definitely not.

Dresses made for the statuesque, lissome and willowy do not fit the short, stumpy and dumpy.

More’s the pity.

Sigh.

Disinfectant on the floor.

Disinfectant on the table.

Disinfectant on the chair.

Disinfectant on the door.

Disinfectant for my hands.

Poor Mrs L.

Friggin’ golden staph.

I am that anomaly. That most unfeminine of females.

So be warned, this is what you’ll need if you are that poor sod who’s trying to coach/ coax me through the intricacies of makeup application.

1. An endless supply of patience.

Because I am a dumbwit when it comes to makeup. Remember and repeat that statement for it will become your mantra. And if in doubt, assume the worst.

But I do have the most stellar of excuses: Mom was liberated enough not to bother about it in her day, and liberal enough to assume that I wouldn’t want to in mine. Hence the cluelessness  =)

2. The ability to avoid herniating yourself with excessive laughter when I screw up (which I will)

Like the time I was being coached by The Makeup Coach on how to apply the most basic of eye makeup: eye liner and mascara. Geez. I mean there are only two items, right? And one would obviously precede the other, right?

As it turns out, the torture procedure went more like this:

Apply (liquid - eeek!) eye liner - Curl lashes - Apply mascara to lashes - Curl lashes again before coat of mascara dries - Apply mascara to ends of lashes only

I insisted on a readback of instructions because being the screwball I am (with no feminine attributes whatsoever to boot), I knew I would get it wrong. And I did.

Hell yeah, I did.

My recap went like this:

Curl lashes - Apply mascara to lashes - Curl lashes again before coat of mascara dries - Apply mascara to ends of lashes only - Apply (liquid - eeek!) eye liner

Whereupon my Makeup Coach, she of the sunny disposition and inexhaustible supply of patience proceeded to comment: But sweetie, how will you apply your eyeliner with your lashes all curled and mascara-ed and in the way?

DOH. DOUBLE DOH.

A salient point. And one that was obvious. Blindingly obvious.

And you know what? I proceeded to do it the wrong way anyway. Twice.

DOH. TRIPLE DOH.

3. The ability to empathise with the scarcity of my resources

Because the grand total of my ‘makeup kit’ consists of:

One loose powder compact - Prime bacterial breeding ground, since I’ve had it for longer than most toddlers have been alive.

One liquid eyeliner - Bought at the behest of my poor Makeup Coach. And also because my eyes, being the small and unlovely size they are, are in dire need of definition. But being the sweetheart that she was, she was just too nice to say so  =)

One mascara - Bought for the same reason.

One lip gloss - Bought under duress at The Body Shop because I did not manage to extricate myself from the clutches of the retail assistant in time.

Finito. That’s the grand tally.

Which threw quite a spanner in the (beautification) works because apparently there is other stuff that needs to be applied after you’ve completed The Basic Eye Makeup Routine mentioned in Point #2. Dang it, I knew it was called basic for a reason!

But when The Makeup Coach casually mentioned eyeshadow, I was flabbergasted. So flabbergasted that I managed to momentarily widen my small and unlovely orbs into entrancingly large peepers like these O_O .

Whereupon she (wisely) recognised I’d reached the limits of my capacity for makeup application and exempted me from the remainder of the torture procedure.

4. A brutally honest assessment of my appearance

The Makeup Coach wasn’t there to assess my handiwork, but The Sister was. Oh yeah, she was.

At the end of a long, long day involving inumerable presentations, a pair of recalcitrant contact lenses that blinkered rather than cleared my vision and a bracing walk from Darling Harbour to the CBD in heels, The Sister pronounced thus on my makeup:

Your eyeliner is flaking. And you look like shit. Kinda like a transvestite.

*Faints*

A fitting tribute to my lack of feminine attributes I suppose  =P

NB: To The Makeup Coach - thank you. For your patience. And your forbearance with my inane and random questions. And your ability to break it down to the simplest of steps for an idiot like me. On the Internet too. You should start up an e-service called Makeup Advice for The Hopelessly Incompetent. Guess who’ll be first in line to give you your very first rousing endorsement?  =)

I missed the Mid-Autumn moon this year. And I actually mind.

I would give a lot for a cup of jasmine tea and the company of friends tonight.

A lot.

Screw the mooncakes, but I can’t do without you guys.

I feeling very piss-ee

Cos everything very suck-ee

And my life not so good-ee

So I not very happ-ee

ps: I’m feeling really homesick. And nothing, not even talking like an Ah Lian from Jinjang seems to help.

pps: I haven’t had a sliver of mooncake. Or even sighted the moon tonight. Heck, I didn’t know the Mid-Autumn Festival had rolled round until MP messaged me on MSN Messenger the other day  =(